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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23047819">Weariness</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/phantomthief_fee/pseuds/phantomthief_fee'>phantomthief_fee</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Magnus Archives (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Depression, Spoilers for Season 4, Suicidal Thoughts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 05:42:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>733</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23047819</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/phantomthief_fee/pseuds/phantomthief_fee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Martin Blackwood is tired.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Weariness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Martin is tired. </p><p>He’s been tired for a long time now, he thinks. Maybe he was just ignoring it up until this point. He knows he’s good at hiding his pain. He’s spent his whole life pretending everything was fine. Because his feelings are secondary, right? What matters is that everyone else is happy. Because if they’re happy then maybe no one will yell at him, maybe no one will lash out. </p><p>Maybe if they’re happy, he can be happy too.</p><p>But that’s not how it works. That’s never how it works.</p><p>No matter how hard he tries to make everyone happy there’s always something. Always some new problem. Always some new reason to snip and yell at one another. Sometimes people just want to be angry and miserable and his attempts to fix things are…unwanted. Tim certainly hadn’t appreciated his attempts, especially after they’d discovered what had happened to Sasha and the fact that they essentially trapped in the studio. What was it Tim had said? “Martin just wants everyone to have a tea party” or something like that. Because God forbid he <b>actually</b> want to try and make sure his friends were happy.</p><p>After everything that he’s gone through in the past few years, his emotional resources are well and truly depleted. He’s given until there was nothing left to give and all that’s left is just bone-deep weariness and emptiness. Peter certainly isn’t helping that with his talk of the apocalypse and continual attempts to isolate Martin from everyone and everything he cares about. </p><p>It’s not like he has a lot of people he cares about nowadays, though. Tim and Sasha were the closest things he had to friends and they’re both dead. He and Basira aren’t close and never have been. Daisy…He still has some residual resentment left against her. And Jon? Jon’s…different now.</p><p>Martin knows he should have expected this. A lot of things have changed since he first met Jon. It wouldn’t be fair to expect Jon to have stayed the same. But he’s become so reckless and self-destructive. Maybe he’s always been this way, but it’s gotten worse lately. Jon threw himself into the Buried for fuck’s sake! </p><p>Pulling away felt like a natural response. Jon couldn’t throw himself into danger if he didn’t know what the danger was. And yet he still continues to do so. Martin doesn’t know whether to be relieved or not. It’s comforting to have Jon back, but it’s just another thing for Martin to worry about. </p><p>It makes him even more tired. It makes him want to sleep.</p><p>During the time Jon was in the coma…Martin had wanted so badly to die. It had been why he’d joined up with Peter in the first place. He’d thought Peter would at least have the courtesy to get him killed. He’d just been so tired. His mother had been dead, his friends had been dead, Jon had been in a coma. He’d just wanted to go to sleep forever and not have to worry about any of this anymore. </p><p>It was just all too much. The monsters, the powers, <b>Elias</b>. He just couldn’t do it anymore. But Peter didn’t get him killed. He got him involved with some stupid and convoluted plan that Martin’s sure is just some power play between him and Elias. He knows it might be simpler if he told someone about this. He’d have help, support. But it’s easier this way, he tells himself. If he just does this on his own, maybe everyone will stay safe. </p><p>
  <em>Maybe no one will have to die. </em>
</p><p>He thinks of Sasha, dead without any of them noticing. Tim, gone in a fiery explosion. Jon…In that coma. Martin doesn’t want to lose anyone anymore. </p><p>It’s not like he <em>trusts </em>Peter. God no. Peter’s just as bad as the rest of the monsters he’s faced. But if he plays along and tells Peter what he wants to hear, maybe Peter won’t hurt anyone else. It’s just like everything else in his life. Smile and pretend everything’s fine. Or <b>don’t</b> smile in this case. </p><p>Maybe it’ll be easier this way, he tells himself at night while he stares up at his ceiling at night. Maybe if he remains by himself there won’t be any more reasons to worry or fear. Maybe it won’t hurt anymore. </p><p>But it still did. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is based on my thoughts after listening to episode 144 and now that I've finished the season</p></blockquote></div></div>
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